I went to QLD with him to look at his unit.
Yep, he's really moving and I spent all night tucked up against his chest sobbing.
I really have fallen for him and this isn't what I want.
I'm too young to move, be on my own.
Sob story.
This is my first day away from him in weeks.
I don't want to sleep without him.
No one should be that handsome, quiet.
He had his fairwell at the local pub/nightclub.
me + black Sambooka = wild nasty bitch.
Talked to his friends, didn't drink much, had a laugh, a chat.. then the boys started buying me drinks. Then the dance floor opened. 30 of his friends there. He ignored me most of the night. His x was there. He spoke to her; a lot. So I started the drinks. People bought me drinks. Men did. Men I didn't know.
To the dance floor!
Danced with his friends for a while as the DJ warmed up.
Caught eyes with a handsome man. Smiled.
He moves over and I start dancing with my arse pressed against his groin.
Oh yes, I saw his friends disgust.
I still did it, though.
3 4 5 6 minutes dancing hardcore with this random man.
I see my boyfriend watching, heartbroken.
And pissed off.
I catch his eye a few times, and I'll be fucked if I didn't smile at him while grinding against another man.
Repeat x3.
Men, that is.
A few of his friends were looking at him with a "WTF are you letting her do?" expression.
(read: your girlfriend is a tramp.)
Jamaican man. Catch his eye a few times.
Boyfriend comes and dances with me, leans in and says "not very fucking happy. That man in the green shirt came up to me in the bathroom and said "your girlfriend is a filthy whore."
Ugh.
Somehow the night wears on. My shoes are killing me, I sit down by myself for a break.
Another man comes past, buys me a drink and had a chat.
I see 2 of bf's mates watching.
Then talking to bf.
("now she's chatting up other men.")
Needless to say, the night wore on. I kissed my man and layed off the drinks and other men.
Like nothing had happened.
Bar closes.
Friends disband.
We walk down to get some pizza.
(none for me, 300 calories?)
40 people out the front. 5 seperate punchups. Walk through the crowd arm in arm with my boyfriend watching blood fly and the coppers screech in.
Taxi.
He looks over, mouths; "I love you."
We get back to his bed.
He looks at me, grabs me by the throat, pushes me to the bed and snarls "oh you're going to cop it for what you did to me tonight."
Both hands on my throat, straddled on top of me, leaning down into my ear.."you made a fool of me tonight. In front of everyone. I was hosting for 30 people and you went and did that. Everyone saw. Mates were coming up to me asking why the hell I was letting you get away with that, and I should dump your ass."
I'm choking.
I can't breathe.
I don't look away, though.
"you thought, oh look, I can get his attention. You didn't even STOP to think what it'd do. You don't think like that. Oh, fuck. You are going to cop it tonight. Take your fucking clothes off."
I do.
I get on top.
H hits me, hard, across the face and hisses "yeah, you fucking like that."
He rams himself into me and I whimper.
"aw, honey, does that hurt?"
Smack.
Harder.
I can see his hand, closed fist.
"baby, don't do this.. please."
First time I'm actually scared of this rough play.
We fuck.
He punches my hip.
I wince.
I watch his hands and every time they move, I flinch and he smiles and says "yeah, about time you take me seriously."
It ended.
We were on the same page.
We talked a bit, I apologised.
But I'd really hurt him.
That was Friday.
Last night, he called me pretty, he hugged me.. I made him dinner.. we cuddled.
Talked about life.
Family.
It finally hit me he was leaving.
I spent all night sobbing into his chest.
"you know what will happen when I'm gone?"
".."
"life will go on."
The-Shirt Weather..
the art of cooking for two..
Archives
Summer on the way.
I feel the need for change. It's warm! It's beautiful, it's hot.. I'm having a life overhaul. I like to see my goals. I feel calm and in control.
1) Be nut and dried fruit free.
2) be 100% low fat raw vegan.
3) expose my nude body to the sun as often as possible.
4) enjoy more sex (possible?!)
5) appreciate the people in my life more than I do.
6) continue improving in my arts.
7) meet more people, learn to love them.
8) self love; look after my nails, my hair, my skin, my eyes.. rub coconut oil after sunbathing.
9) smile!
10) use, and love the power and beauty of my youth.
11) Enjoy something inspirational each day!
12) Stretch. Improve my flexibility.
13) be more open. Trust. It won't hurt me.
14) Work!
15) Be kinder to my feet. =)
16) excercise, hard, at least 30minutes a day - hard sweat.
17) more water! Upwards of 6 litres.
18) Relax.. don't look so gaunt.
19) express myself.
20) reach my goal weight along with fitness, a tan, health and smile.
I'm 67kg as of today, AFTER 5 bananas in smoothie form and a litre of water.
AND I'm on my period.
=)
1) Be nut and dried fruit free.
2) be 100% low fat raw vegan.
3) expose my nude body to the sun as often as possible.
4) enjoy more sex (possible?!)
5) appreciate the people in my life more than I do.
6) continue improving in my arts.
7) meet more people, learn to love them.
8) self love; look after my nails, my hair, my skin, my eyes.. rub coconut oil after sunbathing.
9) smile!
10) use, and love the power and beauty of my youth.
11) Enjoy something inspirational each day!
12) Stretch. Improve my flexibility.
13) be more open. Trust. It won't hurt me.
14) Work!
15) Be kinder to my feet. =)
16) excercise, hard, at least 30minutes a day - hard sweat.
17) more water! Upwards of 6 litres.
18) Relax.. don't look so gaunt.
19) express myself.
20) reach my goal weight along with fitness, a tan, health and smile.
I'm 67kg as of today, AFTER 5 bananas in smoothie form and a litre of water.
AND I'm on my period.
=)
Anger
Anger is clouding my vision. He tries to get me to bite.
To snatch and retaliate.
He didn't talk to me all day while at work, like he usually does.
Instead, he spoke two or three words.
Okay, he's at work.. fair duece.
Then comes back and MSN's me "hey wench."
Gee, thanks.
"I spent all day on Omegle.com.. chatting up girls. Jealous?"
You fucking insensitive fuck.
I can't handle this.
Anger is clouding my vision.
I'm less caring of you.
To snatch and retaliate.
He didn't talk to me all day while at work, like he usually does.
Instead, he spoke two or three words.
Okay, he's at work.. fair duece.
Then comes back and MSN's me "hey wench."
Gee, thanks.
"I spent all day on Omegle.com.. chatting up girls. Jealous?"
You fucking insensitive fuck.
I can't handle this.
Anger is clouding my vision.
I'm less caring of you.
raw.
I was 100% raw for 6 months.
I fell off the bandwagon the last 3 months.
I've been eating cooked foods, salt.
I've gained 6kg.
Most, fluid retention.. making me puffy.
Today is the day I'm back.
Juice fast day #1.
I fell off the bandwagon the last 3 months.
I've been eating cooked foods, salt.
I've gained 6kg.
Most, fluid retention.. making me puffy.
Today is the day I'm back.
Juice fast day #1.
High as a Kite
.. on LSA this wekend.
Sex whilst high = other worldly.
edit:
so I took some happy hippie juice - 6 Woodrose seeds soaked in fresh orange juice (yeah, I stayed raw while abusing substances.)
It kicked in. I was stranded on the couch for 8 hours, tripping.
Melting fans. Breathing walls.
If I were a man, I'd have had a hard-on. Tingling.
When he kissed me, all my senses imploded.
Tongues felt like the most glorious textures, lips pressed and lightly touching.
They left for a half hour, sober.
I panicked.
I needed him.
I felt love for him.
Trip over.
An 8 hour adventure without leaving the couch.
He turns to his friend "going to bed.. might have to pick her up. She'll want to cuddle, she's still tripping balls."
Coming off the drug, we went to bed.
Ie; two mattresses.
He was hard. He tore my jeans off.
I wasn't sober yet.
I was TRASHED, telling you the truth.
We fucked. Hard.
while we were fucking?
"I have to tell you something."
I reply... what?
"I think I'm falling in love with you."
Sex whilst high = other worldly.
edit:
so I took some happy hippie juice - 6 Woodrose seeds soaked in fresh orange juice (yeah, I stayed raw while abusing substances.)
It kicked in. I was stranded on the couch for 8 hours, tripping.
Melting fans. Breathing walls.
If I were a man, I'd have had a hard-on. Tingling.
When he kissed me, all my senses imploded.
Tongues felt like the most glorious textures, lips pressed and lightly touching.
They left for a half hour, sober.
I panicked.
I needed him.
I felt love for him.
Trip over.
An 8 hour adventure without leaving the couch.
He turns to his friend "going to bed.. might have to pick her up. She'll want to cuddle, she's still tripping balls."
Coming off the drug, we went to bed.
Ie; two mattresses.
He was hard. He tore my jeans off.
I wasn't sober yet.
I was TRASHED, telling you the truth.
We fucked. Hard.
while we were fucking?
"I have to tell you something."
I reply... what?
"I think I'm falling in love with you."
Waiting for "him"
Waiting for him. Patiently, in a stupid place. Bored.
Thinking, this man has every mans dream!
He's in his late 20's, I'm 18.
I offer him the things he won't get elsewhere:
1) Head on demand. I love it.
2) Endless sex.
3) The chance to explore his fantasy's.
4) Group sex.
5) Intelligent conversation.
6) An endlessly horny girl.
7) A chance to seriously dominate me, even hit me in bed.
8) My new willingness to take on his emotional baggage.
Just because I'm here for you man, doesn't mean I always will be.
Thinking, this man has every mans dream!
He's in his late 20's, I'm 18.
I offer him the things he won't get elsewhere:
1) Head on demand. I love it.
2) Endless sex.
3) The chance to explore his fantasy's.
4) Group sex.
5) Intelligent conversation.
6) An endlessly horny girl.
7) A chance to seriously dominate me, even hit me in bed.
8) My new willingness to take on his emotional baggage.
Just because I'm here for you man, doesn't mean I always will be.
enthusiasm (very sexually explicit)
Message to boyfriend: Open letter.
So I'm in a relationship, with you, yes? This doesn't give you the right to EXPECT me to want your mancock.
You're a good man. You're nice. You want me, based purely on my brains I think. You've expressed wanting my kids. I cook for you. You've said the "m" word.
You have some fucking insensitive and confusing points.
Last night, you pinches my tummy and say, albeit playfully, "can I cut this off?" after telling me all day to eat. What the fucking fuck fuck you, man, that was rude and fucking insensitive. You're not perfect, sweetness, you have dandruff and skin issues from all that refined shit you eat. You breath strangely and irregularly at night. Don't be so fucking RUDE.
You thinks you're Casanova. 3 minutes of foreplay. Three.
And you thought it was amazing how wet I got. (it was nothing in comparison to when I'm alone), even saying "wow, you haven't been this wet in a while."
You didn't even KISS me before we started.
You just fumbled clumsily in my underwear and then expected that I wanted your cock.
Of course I do want it but after you give ME the equivalent or YOUR hard on.
I'm not fucking you, dry.
On this occasion, you thought it was your 'magic hands', little do you know I spent the last 20 minutes fantasising and playing with myself.
I like sex. I have a great deal of enthusiasm for sex.
You dull this. You make me feel like I'm wrong for wanting it.
Can't you keep up?
I do a lot of great things for you. I tickle your chest before and after and kiss your neck and throat, something you love. I rub your cock through your pants. I tell you to bend me over and take me over the bench. You're the third man I've been with, and yet you want it up the ass. You make it sound like my vagina, tight and young, isn't good enough for you. I oblige. You are the first. It hurts and I don't like it but I tolerate it for you.
I give you enthusiastic and FANTASTIC blowjobs.
I smile, and work myself into a sweat.
Roadhead, twice.
Never expecting anything back.
I swallow and lick and lavish afterwards.
You won't even kiss me.
Even once while you were watching porn and eating the nachos I made you.
Just because I don't like 69, doesn't mean I don't want you to return the favour.
So I can't come (yet), don't give the fuck up.
Use your hands! I've told you what I like.
I've shown you.
You even said "it's not worth it, you won't come."
Yeah, fuck!
Just because I don't come, doesn't mean I DON'T FUCKING ENJOY IT.
And you think you're good with women.
Oh, and when you finally do start, my clitoris is not a piece of flint. Stop trying to start a fire with it. If I say "ouch" and close my legs it does NOT mean keep going.
You know what? If you showed enthusiasm, I'd be EVEN MORE KEEN.
Your reserved demeanour is fucking with me.
The other two boys loved my directness. My willingness you adapt and try anything.
My sheer want for them got them off.
Not you.
You're frugal with your money. I've spent a lot on you the last few weeks.
You? Nothing on me. Oh. Fuel. In your car.
I love cars. I can drive, I have great legs, and you never compliment me.
Today, two men winked at me in town, even though I was wearing sex hair and smudged makeup from you.
I'm not going to let my 18th year and my youth go to waste on someone who doesn't appreciate it.
So I'm in a relationship, with you, yes? This doesn't give you the right to EXPECT me to want your mancock.
You're a good man. You're nice. You want me, based purely on my brains I think. You've expressed wanting my kids. I cook for you. You've said the "m" word.
You have some fucking insensitive and confusing points.
Last night, you pinches my tummy and say, albeit playfully, "can I cut this off?" after telling me all day to eat. What the fucking fuck fuck you, man, that was rude and fucking insensitive. You're not perfect, sweetness, you have dandruff and skin issues from all that refined shit you eat. You breath strangely and irregularly at night. Don't be so fucking RUDE.
You thinks you're Casanova. 3 minutes of foreplay. Three.
And you thought it was amazing how wet I got. (it was nothing in comparison to when I'm alone), even saying "wow, you haven't been this wet in a while."
You didn't even KISS me before we started.
You just fumbled clumsily in my underwear and then expected that I wanted your cock.
Of course I do want it but after you give ME the equivalent or YOUR hard on.
I'm not fucking you, dry.
On this occasion, you thought it was your 'magic hands', little do you know I spent the last 20 minutes fantasising and playing with myself.
I like sex. I have a great deal of enthusiasm for sex.
You dull this. You make me feel like I'm wrong for wanting it.
Can't you keep up?
I do a lot of great things for you. I tickle your chest before and after and kiss your neck and throat, something you love. I rub your cock through your pants. I tell you to bend me over and take me over the bench. You're the third man I've been with, and yet you want it up the ass. You make it sound like my vagina, tight and young, isn't good enough for you. I oblige. You are the first. It hurts and I don't like it but I tolerate it for you.
I give you enthusiastic and FANTASTIC blowjobs.
I smile, and work myself into a sweat.
Roadhead, twice.
Never expecting anything back.
I swallow and lick and lavish afterwards.
You won't even kiss me.
Even once while you were watching porn and eating the nachos I made you.
Just because I don't like 69, doesn't mean I don't want you to return the favour.
So I can't come (yet), don't give the fuck up.
Use your hands! I've told you what I like.
I've shown you.
You even said "it's not worth it, you won't come."
Yeah, fuck!
Just because I don't come, doesn't mean I DON'T FUCKING ENJOY IT.
And you think you're good with women.
Oh, and when you finally do start, my clitoris is not a piece of flint. Stop trying to start a fire with it. If I say "ouch" and close my legs it does NOT mean keep going.
You know what? If you showed enthusiasm, I'd be EVEN MORE KEEN.
Your reserved demeanour is fucking with me.
The other two boys loved my directness. My willingness you adapt and try anything.
My sheer want for them got them off.
Not you.
You're frugal with your money. I've spent a lot on you the last few weeks.
You? Nothing on me. Oh. Fuel. In your car.
I love cars. I can drive, I have great legs, and you never compliment me.
Today, two men winked at me in town, even though I was wearing sex hair and smudged makeup from you.
I'm not going to let my 18th year and my youth go to waste on someone who doesn't appreciate it.
Overt fats.
1 avocado today with a pinch of salt.
The worst thing I've eaten.
Had a good half hour run, 3 green smoothies.
Not feeling too bad.
SO glad to be off the nuts, going to go totally overt fat free:
no avo's, no nuts, no dried fruit, no coconut or oils.
The worst thing I've eaten.
Had a good half hour run, 3 green smoothies.
Not feeling too bad.
SO glad to be off the nuts, going to go totally overt fat free:
no avo's, no nuts, no dried fruit, no coconut or oils.
Green smoothies.
I weighed in at 68kg this morning.
Thankgod.
Dropping quickly.
I've had 4 glasses of green smoothies today = 4 bananas, leafy celery and 2 handfuls of silverbeat plus some water.
Green smoothies never make me feel guilty.
I chew and swirl them around my mouth and I'm full soon.
It's a way of getting salad greens without wanting to put feta, olives, sundried tomato and oil.
(drooling thinking about it)
I went to an iridologist who told me what I already knew, that I had an intolerance to dairy.
She also told me I'm lacking in iodine, and my thyroid is suffering from it.
So, I'll start adding some raw kelp and maybe iodine spray.
That's it.
I've quit dried fruits and nuts.
I will NOT go back to them.
Gaining 4 kilos from them in a month is ridiculous.
Thankgod.
Dropping quickly.
I've had 4 glasses of green smoothies today = 4 bananas, leafy celery and 2 handfuls of silverbeat plus some water.
Green smoothies never make me feel guilty.
I chew and swirl them around my mouth and I'm full soon.
It's a way of getting salad greens without wanting to put feta, olives, sundried tomato and oil.
(drooling thinking about it)
I went to an iridologist who told me what I already knew, that I had an intolerance to dairy.
She also told me I'm lacking in iodine, and my thyroid is suffering from it.
So, I'll start adding some raw kelp and maybe iodine spray.
That's it.
I've quit dried fruits and nuts.
I will NOT go back to them.
Gaining 4 kilos from them in a month is ridiculous.
Barnaby Hall: Online
Yes, Facebook.
I love it when he calls me his "little girl" or "pretty little thing."
Wait for me to be so little your fingertips touch when your hands are on my hips, sweetness.
I love it when he calls me his "little girl" or "pretty little thing."
Wait for me to be so little your fingertips touch when your hands are on my hips, sweetness.
Gaining.
What the.. fuck.
71kg.
After drinking 6 litres of water and some food today but whatever.
I don't get this. I eat like a bird.
You know what it is?
NUTS and SULTANAS.
I'm quitting them as of today, I've gained 6kg since eating them over the past month.
Back to liquids. Fruits.
That's it.
Just vomited up what I did eat. Food is awful. Why.
Boyfriend.. I'm starting to fall for him a bit.
He resigned from his work, he has 4 weeks.
Then, he moves interstate.
And he asked me to come with him.
Move out of home, with him.
I don't know.
71kg.
After drinking 6 litres of water and some food today but whatever.
I don't get this. I eat like a bird.
You know what it is?
NUTS and SULTANAS.
I'm quitting them as of today, I've gained 6kg since eating them over the past month.
Back to liquids. Fruits.
That's it.
Just vomited up what I did eat. Food is awful. Why.
Boyfriend.. I'm starting to fall for him a bit.
He resigned from his work, he has 4 weeks.
Then, he moves interstate.
And he asked me to come with him.
Move out of home, with him.
I don't know.
Old cartoons and showoffs.
Tomorrow I climb Australia's biggest mountain with my ex-fuck buddy.
I WILL NOT FUCK HIM
KISS HIM
GO DOWN ON HIM
OR LET HIM DO ANY OF THE ABOVE TO ME
okay?
okay.
I WILL NOT FUCK HIM
KISS HIM
GO DOWN ON HIM
OR LET HIM DO ANY OF THE ABOVE TO ME
okay?
okay.
Fast day 1.
Over the day one hump, really, I never eat after 3pm anyway and its now 3:44pm on Election Sunday.
(fuck Abbott. fuck Gillard.)
Not that hungry.
Would like a mango though.
(fuck Abbott. fuck Gillard.)
Not that hungry.
Would like a mango though.
Boys and toys.
My sex drive is too high.
His is average (too low.)
He wants to cuddle.
I want to do something or fuck again.
He's gentle.
I want him to be rough.
I think he loves me.
I don't know.
His is average (too low.)
He wants to cuddle.
I want to do something or fuck again.
He's gentle.
I want him to be rough.
I think he loves me.
I don't know.
4 kilos
I've gained 4 kilos.
I'm on 69 kilos.
Not enough sex to work off the gross amount of food I've eaten.
I haven't eaten bread in a year.
I did today.
With butter.
I vomited it all up.
I've eaten 8 oranges and 6 bananas.
All still down.
Too many nuts and sultanas.
Back to fruit only.
But first, a 7 day water fast is in order.
It'll drive me mad, but it has to happen. I can see the fat in my hip bones.
My shoulder blades.
I need my ribs back.
I'm on 69 kilos.
Not enough sex to work off the gross amount of food I've eaten.
I haven't eaten bread in a year.
I did today.
With butter.
I vomited it all up.
I've eaten 8 oranges and 6 bananas.
All still down.
Too many nuts and sultanas.
Back to fruit only.
But first, a 7 day water fast is in order.
It'll drive me mad, but it has to happen. I can see the fat in my hip bones.
My shoulder blades.
I need my ribs back.
You can dangle your carrot..
But I ain't going to reach for it.
I'm fighting back not eating at 9:14 this morning.
Over the weekend I lived on 6 apples and 2 carrots and alpine water.
Then yesterday, inside a house, with lovely people.. I got fed.
2 oatbran muffins.
A salad with oily olives, sundried tomatos.. avocado.
A huge mango.
2 bananas.
A HUGE amount of sultanas, dried fruit and nuts..
I said to myself, don't vomit.
So I didn't, and now its sitting in my gut.
I can feel it there.
I'm not hungry but I want to eat to get rid of it.
Since when does eating remove the problems caused by eating?
I have a quarter of a watermelon, that can be my breakfast lunch dinner.
Go for a run, you lazy fuck.
I need that tattooed on my forehead.
I'm fighting back not eating at 9:14 this morning.
Over the weekend I lived on 6 apples and 2 carrots and alpine water.
Then yesterday, inside a house, with lovely people.. I got fed.
2 oatbran muffins.
A salad with oily olives, sundried tomatos.. avocado.
A huge mango.
2 bananas.
A HUGE amount of sultanas, dried fruit and nuts..
I said to myself, don't vomit.
So I didn't, and now its sitting in my gut.
I can feel it there.
I'm not hungry but I want to eat to get rid of it.
Since when does eating remove the problems caused by eating?
I have a quarter of a watermelon, that can be my breakfast lunch dinner.
Go for a run, you lazy fuck.
I need that tattooed on my forehead.
Dynomite so..
From my iPhone.
The weekend was boys, sex, mud, cooking for said boys, Hilux's... I have to admit. I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed being with a boy who was obviously my 'partner'. His workmates questioned us. He answered them d though we're together-together. We are. I still don't think that feels right. I met his folks. His folks liked me. They fed md a lot. Slight disdain.
He took me to the river in his lunchbreak today.
I survived.
The weekend was boys, sex, mud, cooking for said boys, Hilux's... I have to admit. I enjoyed myself. I enjoyed being with a boy who was obviously my 'partner'. His workmates questioned us. He answered them d though we're together-together. We are. I still don't think that feels right. I met his folks. His folks liked me. They fed md a lot. Slight disdain.
He took me to the river in his lunchbreak today.
I survived.
Anxiety.
 |
| My tasks for the day. |
By the way, did I mention I'm not eating until that booze hits my stomach tonight and shakes it up?
I've noticed after Vodka + sex, usually I'm a few kilos lighter the next morning.
Great excuse.
He told me that "no girl of his" was going to drink straight alcohol. Yeah, watch me, sweetheart.
Don't think I haven't hidden that before.
Stupid girl.
Today is the day I'm going to have to go out and be social with a bunch of people I haven't met and one who's been inside me.
Great.
Double this with food, a bottle of Scotch, much beer, one horny man, 30 other horny men, big 4x4 vehicles, probably mostly Toyota Cruisers... this is going to be a weekend to remember.
And the thoughts set in.. I need to find clothes (warm enough for snow) that are flattering. I need to impress his friends. I rightly can't impress them with my fantastic oral skills... or can I?
No.
I can't.
Bad.
So it's 9:24am and I need to be there at 5pm.
I'm already getting ready.
Hair needs wrangling.
Clothes need washing and finding.
iPhone needs charging.
Skin needs hiding.
Goddamn.
I'm already preparing for what my drunk self is going to do.
I know, due to being one of the only girls going, I'm going to be thrown into feeding the men duty.
Drunk self can never remember to cook anything.
So, Sober Self has written down the recipe and instructions for damper on a camp oven.
Don't tell me I can't think ahead.
Great.
Double this with food, a bottle of Scotch, much beer, one horny man, 30 other horny men, big 4x4 vehicles, probably mostly Toyota Cruisers... this is going to be a weekend to remember.
And the thoughts set in.. I need to find clothes (warm enough for snow) that are flattering. I need to impress his friends. I rightly can't impress them with my fantastic oral skills... or can I?
No.
I can't.
Bad.
So it's 9:24am and I need to be there at 5pm.
I'm already getting ready.
Hair needs wrangling.
Clothes need washing and finding.
iPhone needs charging.
Skin needs hiding.
Goddamn.
I'm already preparing for what my drunk self is going to do.
I know, due to being one of the only girls going, I'm going to be thrown into feeding the men duty.
Drunk self can never remember to cook anything.
So, Sober Self has written down the recipe and instructions for damper on a camp oven.
Don't tell me I can't think ahead.
Girls gone mild..
Talking about food now.
I eat healthily.
Health is my aim. My final goal.
Strength, fragility, stealth, a lithe body, youth.. beauty.
I don't eat cooked food, salts, spices.
I don't drink anything but water. No Coke, no juices.
I eat fruit and vegetables and nuts.
I drink pure, clean water.
I don't take pills.
I don't put crap on my skin.
I don't eat sweets, chocolates, or junk, and I haven't in years.
I don't eat breads, pastas or anything like that.
No animal products, no cream, dairy, meat, eggs, honey...
Though, hypocritically, I do drink alcohol.
I have eaten like this for a long time.
I just don't eat enough of it.
I'm not lazy.
I will purge. I will stick my fingers down my throat and vomit if I feel any sort of fullness. I'm that mix of ana and mia. I don't eat much, but more than"much" and it needs to be gone from my body. I like feeling hungry. I fast. I eat too much dried fruit and nut mix, though, my only vice.
Why aren't I 50kg?
I eat healthily.
Health is my aim. My final goal.
Strength, fragility, stealth, a lithe body, youth.. beauty.
I don't eat cooked food, salts, spices.
I don't drink anything but water. No Coke, no juices.
I eat fruit and vegetables and nuts.
I drink pure, clean water.
I don't take pills.
I don't put crap on my skin.
I don't eat sweets, chocolates, or junk, and I haven't in years.
I don't eat breads, pastas or anything like that.
No animal products, no cream, dairy, meat, eggs, honey...
Though, hypocritically, I do drink alcohol.
I have eaten like this for a long time.
I just don't eat enough of it.
I'm not lazy.
I will purge. I will stick my fingers down my throat and vomit if I feel any sort of fullness. I'm that mix of ana and mia. I don't eat much, but more than"much" and it needs to be gone from my body. I like feeling hungry. I fast. I eat too much dried fruit and nut mix, though, my only vice.
Why aren't I 50kg?
How to Tie a Tie..
You know how when you get a new love interest, or, who am I kidding, fuck-buddy, you tend you mull over their words and actions? That's what gets you to sleep at night. It's the thought you go back to time and time again. Something they said, a smile, a look, the way he held your thighs while he orgasmed..
Well, for me, right now, it's some things he said. It's been two weeks.
The first time we met up, I thought okay; sex. Awesome. He said little quips like "you're not just a random fuck, you know, I really like you". I just put it down to he wanted a second go later. He asked me if I'd ever thought about kids, a family...
Second time? He started telling me we'd make pretty babies. He told me to make love to him. He told me to kiss him like I loved him. I did.
This didn't frighten me.
He's a successful, good looking, tall, handsome guy.
What's there's the be frightened of?
Commitment.
I can fake that.
Third time, over a weekend.. he told me how gorgeous I look when I wake up in the morning, how I'm going to "make a really hot 21 year old.. and I think I want to be there for that." How "you know, at certain angles... you look like a supermodel." Being terribly self conscious, I took these in the "oh god if I was 5 kilos lighter he'd say I WAS a supermodel.. that I AM a hot 18 year old! Oh jesus."
He told me I didn't need to lose weight, but I could if I wanted to. He was sincere. He wasn't cruel.
He told me he always wanted a girl like me, but he's now not sure what to do with me.
While I straddled him in my truck, kissing him, breasts against his chest and hips grinding against his, he looked at me in wonder... "where did I find you?"
His mum would like me.
Adventuuuureee...
Well, for me, right now, it's some things he said. It's been two weeks.
The first time we met up, I thought okay; sex. Awesome. He said little quips like "you're not just a random fuck, you know, I really like you". I just put it down to he wanted a second go later. He asked me if I'd ever thought about kids, a family...
Second time? He started telling me we'd make pretty babies. He told me to make love to him. He told me to kiss him like I loved him. I did.
This didn't frighten me.
He's a successful, good looking, tall, handsome guy.
What's there's the be frightened of?
Commitment.
I can fake that.
Third time, over a weekend.. he told me how gorgeous I look when I wake up in the morning, how I'm going to "make a really hot 21 year old.. and I think I want to be there for that." How "you know, at certain angles... you look like a supermodel." Being terribly self conscious, I took these in the "oh god if I was 5 kilos lighter he'd say I WAS a supermodel.. that I AM a hot 18 year old! Oh jesus."
He told me I didn't need to lose weight, but I could if I wanted to. He was sincere. He wasn't cruel.
He told me he always wanted a girl like me, but he's now not sure what to do with me.
While I straddled him in my truck, kissing him, breasts against his chest and hips grinding against his, he looked at me in wonder... "where did I find you?"
His mum would like me.
Adventuuuureee...
The Baker's Wife..
I drew a self portrait.I think self portraits.. how you see yourself.. are very revealing.
It's not as bad as it could have been. I think, picking it apart.. the fact I'm hiding my body, showcasing green eyes, bored, listless, languorous appearance...
it says a lot.
Frisbee..
Cold morning.
Another one.I just ate two small bowls of raw oats and water, with some dried
fruit.
It needs to come up NOW.
2 litres of water later...
Must have a flat tummy to meet his mates this weekend.
Must.
MUST.
Take this lying down..
It's been raining for 2 days. Two.
I'm in the damn desert.
What the?
The new boy has his mind elsewhere. The only reason I'm on MSN/Facebook right now is to talk to him, I'd rather be sleeping, but hey, he plays the odd move on Scrabble with me...
So why not talk about my filthy eating habits?
I restrict like crazy.
Anywhere from 0-900 calories a day, mostly of fruit.
Nearly my entire diet is raw.
I feel guilty should I have a real meal.
I'm not heavily overweight - by 5kg, I know this. I don't care.
My daily meals consist of some trail mix, an apple, a banana, a few oranges..
Should I eat something larger, I shove my fingers down my throat and bring it all back up again behind some trees on our 30 acres.
I bring all the guilt up with the stomach-chewed food.
I'm only a little obsessed.
Only a little.
Promise.
4x4 (4-wheel driving) this weekend, with a bunch of his mates, in the snow.
The cold, cold, wet white snow.
I'm in the damn desert.
What the?
The new boy has his mind elsewhere. The only reason I'm on MSN/Facebook right now is to talk to him, I'd rather be sleeping, but hey, he plays the odd move on Scrabble with me...
So why not talk about my filthy eating habits?
I restrict like crazy.
Anywhere from 0-900 calories a day, mostly of fruit.
Nearly my entire diet is raw.
I feel guilty should I have a real meal.
I'm not heavily overweight - by 5kg, I know this. I don't care.
My daily meals consist of some trail mix, an apple, a banana, a few oranges..
Should I eat something larger, I shove my fingers down my throat and bring it all back up again behind some trees on our 30 acres.
I bring all the guilt up with the stomach-chewed food.
I'm only a little obsessed.
Only a little.
Promise.
4x4 (4-wheel driving) this weekend, with a bunch of his mates, in the snow.
The cold, cold, wet white snow.
from here to maternity..
Men.
I'm troubled with happiness and wariness thinking about the men in my life.
The man I thought I loved, Michael, held onto me for 3 years with his sheer bulk, high cheekbones, luscious lips, biceps as wide as my waist and creativeness. He also had beautiful eyes. And he was a great lay. Has to be said.
I waited.
I waited.
I was his booty call.
I waited.
He left overseas.
I left the mainland.
We talked (thank-you, MSN/Facebook), and I found myself longing for him. Heartstrings being played and tugged and licked and chewed.
Three years I held out. I waited for him.
Then, it changed.
I met someone else.
Online, no doubt.
Online, no doubt.
Michael, suddenly was obsolete.
I met this someone at the local pub. He rescued me from the nasty, hungry eyes of 40 year old men. I instantly wanted him. For the sex, mostly. I thought, great, I can do this and not care.
I had just met him.
We drove to the woods.
He had a great sound system. Great ride.
To the fucking woods.
I liked him instantly.
I wasn't frightened.
I wasn't frightened.
This was danger and he was dangling me in it.
I knew this forest, no one would ever hear me scream.
We had sex.
Uh, a lot of it.
Uh, a lot of it.
He told me I wasn't just a random fuck.
I blocked this out. No. I don't need to hear that, don't make me feel bad for what I'm doing.
I like you, he said, I really like you.
Yeah, whatever, you're inside me, next you'll be telling me you want my babies.
Well, turns out he does.
He wants to be with me. Really be with me.
And I want that. I want him.
I could have his babies.
I'm scared.
Frightened.
Let it go, girl..
Adventure?
I eat celery and parsnips, and he eats fish and chips, but we get along fine.
I've known him now for two weeks.
Somehow, I don't think I'm single anymore.
Camera shy.
So, I'm sitting here in doonas' listening to the rain tapping away on the tin roof at 11:38am, August 11th. It' s Winter. It's cold. And I've started a blog to try and remember who I am. Diaries of the Twenty-first century.
I feel like a cat in sunshine.
Being 18, being a girl. I just moved from one small town to an even smaller one. It has one pub, a bed and breakfast, sleazy fat balding men, and thousands of acres of wheat and oats and sheep. It is sandwiched between two huge inland metropolitans, which I visit with the wide-eyed marvel of a small child.
I have secrets. These will be pulled like chains through this blog.
I don't eat.
I toy with men.
I'm indecisive.
I feel like a liar.
I need work.
I CRAVE to work.
I need more education. I need university.
I could be anyone. You might see me in the street.
I hope you do. Recognise me. Please.
Welcome to my scribblings.
I feel like a cat in sunshine.
Being 18, being a girl. I just moved from one small town to an even smaller one. It has one pub, a bed and breakfast, sleazy fat balding men, and thousands of acres of wheat and oats and sheep. It is sandwiched between two huge inland metropolitans, which I visit with the wide-eyed marvel of a small child.
I have secrets. These will be pulled like chains through this blog.
I don't eat.
I toy with men.
I'm indecisive.
I feel like a liar.
I need work.
I CRAVE to work.
I need more education. I need university.
I could be anyone. You might see me in the street.
I hope you do. Recognise me. Please.
Welcome to my scribblings.
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About Me
- thegutterdoll
- 18, female, vegan. Lover of fruit, sunshine, beaches. Getting this happy takes practice. Calorie restriction. Raw food. Cars. Horses. Beauty. Nature. Photography. Art. Culture.
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