Summer on the way.

I feel the need for change. It's warm! It's beautiful, it's hot.. I'm having a life overhaul. I like to see my goals. I feel calm and in control.


1) Be nut and dried fruit free.
2) be 100% low fat raw vegan.
3) expose my nude body to the sun as often as possible.
4) enjoy more sex (possible?!)
5) appreciate the people in my life more than I do.
6) continue improving in my arts.
7) meet more people, learn to love them.
8) self love; look after my nails, my hair, my skin, my eyes.. rub coconut oil after sunbathing.
9) smile!
10) use, and love the power and beauty of my youth.
11) Enjoy something inspirational each day!
12) Stretch. Improve my flexibility.
13) be more open. Trust. It won't hurt me.
14) Work!
15) Be kinder to my feet. =)
16) excercise, hard, at least 30minutes a day - hard sweat.
17) more water! Upwards of 6 litres.
18) Relax.. don't look so gaunt.
19) express myself.
20) reach my goal weight along with fitness, a tan, health and smile.

I'm 67kg as of today, AFTER 5 bananas in smoothie form and a litre of water.
AND I'm on my period.
=)

Anger

Anger is clouding my vision. He tries to get me to bite.
To snatch and retaliate.

He didn't talk to me all day while at work, like he usually does.
Instead, he spoke two or three words.
Okay, he's at work.. fair duece.

Then comes back and MSN's me "hey wench."
Gee, thanks.
"I spent all day on Omegle.com.. chatting up girls. Jealous?"

You fucking insensitive fuck.
I can't handle this.
Anger is clouding my vision.
I'm less caring of you.

raw.

I was 100% raw for 6 months.
I fell off the bandwagon the last 3 months.
I've been eating cooked foods, salt.
I've gained 6kg.
Most, fluid retention.. making me puffy.
Today is the day I'm back.
Juice fast day #1.

High as a Kite

.. on LSA this wekend.
Sex whilst high = other worldly.

edit:

so I took some happy hippie juice - 6 Woodrose seeds soaked in fresh orange juice (yeah, I stayed raw while abusing substances.)

It kicked in. I was stranded on the couch for 8 hours, tripping.
Melting fans. Breathing walls.

If I were a man, I'd have had a hard-on. Tingling.

When he kissed me, all my senses imploded.
Tongues felt like the most glorious textures, lips pressed and lightly touching.

They left for a half hour, sober.
I panicked.
I needed him.
I felt love for him.

Trip over.
An 8 hour adventure without leaving the couch.

He turns to his friend "going to bed.. might have to pick her up. She'll want to cuddle, she's still tripping balls."

Coming off the drug, we went to bed.
Ie; two mattresses.

He was hard. He tore my jeans off.
I wasn't sober yet.
I was TRASHED, telling you the truth.
We fucked. Hard.
while we were fucking?
"I have to tell you something."
I reply... what?
"I think I'm falling in love with you."

Waiting for "him"

Waiting for him. Patiently, in a stupid place. Bored.
Thinking, this man has every mans dream!
He's in his late 20's, I'm 18.
I offer him the things he won't get elsewhere:

1) Head on demand. I love it.
2) Endless sex.
3) The chance to explore his fantasy's.
4) Group sex.
5) Intelligent conversation.
6) An endlessly horny girl.
7) A chance to seriously dominate me, even hit me in bed.
8) My new willingness to take on his emotional baggage.

Just because I'm here for you man, doesn't mean I always will be.

enthusiasm (very sexually explicit)

Message to boyfriend: Open letter.

So I'm in a relationship, with you, yes? This doesn't give you the right to EXPECT me to want your mancock.
You're a good man. You're nice. You want me, based purely on my brains I think. You've expressed wanting my kids. I cook for you. You've said the "m" word.
You have some fucking insensitive and confusing points.

Last night, you pinches my tummy and say, albeit playfully, "can I cut this off?" after telling me all day to eat. What the fucking fuck fuck you, man, that was rude and fucking insensitive. You're not perfect, sweetness, you have dandruff and skin issues from all that refined shit you eat. You breath strangely and irregularly at night. Don't be so fucking RUDE.

You thinks you're Casanova. 3 minutes of foreplay. Three.
And you thought it was amazing how wet I got. (it was nothing in comparison to when I'm alone), even saying "wow, you haven't been this wet in a while."

You didn't even KISS me before we started.
You just fumbled clumsily in my underwear and then expected that I wanted your cock.
Of course I do want it but after you give ME the equivalent or YOUR hard on.
I'm not fucking you, dry.

On this occasion, you thought it was your 'magic hands', little do you know I spent the last 20 minutes fantasising and playing with myself.

I like sex. I have a great deal of enthusiasm for sex.
You dull this. You make me feel like I'm wrong for wanting it.
Can't you keep up?
I do a lot of great things for you. I tickle your chest before and after and kiss your neck and throat, something you love. I rub your cock through your pants. I tell you to bend me over and take me over the bench. You're the third man I've been with, and yet you want it up the ass. You make it sound like my vagina, tight and young, isn't good enough for you. I oblige. You are the first. It hurts and I don't like it but I tolerate it for you.

I give you enthusiastic and FANTASTIC blowjobs.
I smile, and work myself into a sweat.
Roadhead, twice.
Never expecting anything back.
I swallow and lick and lavish afterwards.
You won't even kiss me.
Even once while you were watching porn and eating the nachos I made you.

Just because I don't like 69, doesn't mean I don't want you to return the favour.

So I can't come (yet), don't give the fuck up.
Use your hands! I've told you what I like.
I've shown you.
You even said "it's not worth it, you won't come."

Yeah, fuck!
Just because I don't come, doesn't mean I DON'T FUCKING ENJOY IT.
And you think you're good with women.

Oh, and when you finally do start, my clitoris is not a piece of flint. Stop trying to start a fire with it. If I say "ouch" and close my legs it does NOT mean keep going.

You know what? If you showed enthusiasm, I'd be EVEN MORE KEEN.
Your reserved demeanour is fucking with me.
The other two boys loved my directness. My willingness you adapt and try anything.
My sheer want for them got them off.
Not you.

You're frugal with your money. I've spent a lot on you the last few weeks.
You? Nothing on me. Oh. Fuel. In your car.

I love cars. I can drive, I have great legs, and you never compliment me.
Today, two men winked at me in town, even though I was wearing sex hair and smudged makeup from you.

I'm not going to let my 18th year and my youth go to waste on someone who doesn't appreciate it.

Sex.

Why is it my life seems to revolve around my libido?

Juice fast.

Day 1 = tomorrow.
STILL eating nuts.
This will stop it in its tracks.
GAINING.
71kg.

Overt fats.

1 avocado today with a pinch of salt.
The worst thing I've eaten.
Had a good half hour run, 3 green smoothies.
Not feeling too bad.
SO glad to be off the nuts, going to go totally overt fat free:

no avo's, no nuts, no dried fruit, no coconut or oils.

Green smoothies.

I weighed in at 68kg this morning.
Thankgod.
Dropping quickly.

I've had 4 glasses of green smoothies today = 4 bananas, leafy celery and 2 handfuls of silverbeat plus some water.

Green smoothies never make me feel guilty.
I chew and swirl them around my mouth and I'm full soon.
It's a way of getting salad greens without wanting to put feta, olives, sundried tomato and oil.
(drooling thinking about it)

I went to an iridologist who told me what I already knew, that I had an intolerance to dairy.
She also told me I'm lacking in iodine, and my thyroid is suffering from it.
So, I'll start adding some raw kelp and maybe iodine spray.

That's it.
I've quit dried fruits and nuts.
I will NOT go back to them.
Gaining 4 kilos from them in a month is ridiculous.

Barnaby Hall: Online

Yes, Facebook.

I love it when he calls me his "little girl" or "pretty little thing."
Wait for me to be so little your fingertips touch when your hands are on my hips, sweetness.

Gaining.

What the.. fuck.

71kg.

After drinking 6 litres of water and some food today but whatever.
I don't get this. I eat like a bird.
You know what it is?
NUTS and SULTANAS.
I'm quitting them as of today, I've gained 6kg since eating them over the past month.
Back to liquids. Fruits.
That's it.
Just vomited up what I did eat. Food is awful. Why.

Boyfriend.. I'm starting to fall for him a bit.
He resigned from his work, he has 4 weeks.
Then, he moves interstate.
And he asked me to come with him.
Move out of home, with him.
I don't know.