4am, home again.

I went to QLD with him to look at his unit.
Yep, he's really moving and I spent all night tucked up against his chest sobbing.

I really have fallen for him and this isn't what I want.
I'm too young to move, be on my own.
Sob story.

This is my first day away from him in weeks.
I don't want to sleep without him.
No one should be that handsome, quiet.

He had his fairwell at the local pub/nightclub.


me + black Sambooka = wild nasty bitch.

Talked to his friends, didn't drink much, had a laugh, a chat.. then the boys started buying me drinks. Then the dance floor opened. 30 of his friends there. He ignored me most of the night. His x was there. He spoke to her; a lot. So I started the drinks. People bought me drinks. Men did. Men I didn't know.


To the dance floor!

Danced with his friends for a while as the DJ warmed up.
Caught eyes with a handsome man. Smiled.
He moves over and I start dancing with my arse pressed against his groin.

Oh yes, I saw his friends disgust.

I still did it, though.

3 4 5 6 minutes dancing hardcore with this random man.
I see my boyfriend watching, heartbroken.
And pissed off.
I catch his eye a few times, and I'll be fucked if I didn't smile at him while grinding against another man.

Repeat x3.
Men, that is.

A few of his friends were looking at him with a "WTF are you letting her do?" expression.
(read: your girlfriend is a tramp.)

Jamaican man. Catch his eye a few times.
Boyfriend comes and dances with me, leans in and says "not very fucking happy. That man in the green shirt came up to me in the bathroom and said "your girlfriend is a filthy whore."

Ugh.

Somehow the night wears on. My shoes are killing me, I sit down by myself for a break.
Another man comes past, buys me a drink and had a chat.
I see 2 of bf's mates watching.

Then talking to bf.
("now she's chatting up other men.")

Needless to say, the night wore on. I kissed my man and layed off the drinks and other men.

Like nothing had happened.
Bar closes.
Friends disband.
We walk down to get some pizza.
(none for me, 300 calories?)

40 people out the front. 5 seperate punchups. Walk through the crowd arm in arm with my boyfriend watching blood fly and the coppers screech in.

Taxi.
He looks over, mouths; "I love you."

We get back to his bed.
He looks at me, grabs me by the throat, pushes me to the bed and snarls "oh you're going to cop it for what you did to me tonight."


Both hands on my throat, straddled on top of me, leaning down into my ear.."you made a fool of me tonight. In front of everyone. I was hosting for 30 people and you went and did that. Everyone saw. Mates were coming up to me asking why the hell I was letting you get away with that, and I should dump your ass."

I'm choking.

I can't breathe.
I don't look away, though.

"you thought, oh look, I can get his attention. You didn't even STOP to think what it'd do. You don't think like that. Oh, fuck. You are going to cop it tonight. Take your fucking clothes off."

I do.
I get on top.
H hits me, hard, across the face and hisses "yeah, you fucking like that."
He rams himself into me and I whimper.
"aw, honey, does that hurt?"
Smack.
Harder.
I can see his hand, closed fist.
"baby, don't do this.. please."
First time I'm actually scared of this rough play.

We fuck.
He punches my hip.
I wince.


I watch his hands and every time they move, I flinch and he smiles and says "yeah, about time you take me seriously."


It ended.
We were on the same page.
We talked a bit, I apologised.
But I'd really hurt him.


That was Friday.


Last night, he called me pretty, he hugged me.. I made him dinner.. we cuddled.
Talked about life.
Family.


It finally hit me he was leaving.
I spent all night sobbing into his chest.
"you know what will happen when I'm gone?"
".."
"life will go on."

ily

He said "I love you" Saturday night.

Full story, coming soon.

Summer on the way.

I feel the need for change. It's warm! It's beautiful, it's hot.. I'm having a life overhaul. I like to see my goals. I feel calm and in control.


1) Be nut and dried fruit free.
2) be 100% low fat raw vegan.
3) expose my nude body to the sun as often as possible.
4) enjoy more sex (possible?!)
5) appreciate the people in my life more than I do.
6) continue improving in my arts.
7) meet more people, learn to love them.
8) self love; look after my nails, my hair, my skin, my eyes.. rub coconut oil after sunbathing.
9) smile!
10) use, and love the power and beauty of my youth.
11) Enjoy something inspirational each day!
12) Stretch. Improve my flexibility.
13) be more open. Trust. It won't hurt me.
14) Work!
15) Be kinder to my feet. =)
16) excercise, hard, at least 30minutes a day - hard sweat.
17) more water! Upwards of 6 litres.
18) Relax.. don't look so gaunt.
19) express myself.
20) reach my goal weight along with fitness, a tan, health and smile.

I'm 67kg as of today, AFTER 5 bananas in smoothie form and a litre of water.
AND I'm on my period.
=)

Anger

Anger is clouding my vision. He tries to get me to bite.
To snatch and retaliate.

He didn't talk to me all day while at work, like he usually does.
Instead, he spoke two or three words.
Okay, he's at work.. fair duece.

Then comes back and MSN's me "hey wench."
Gee, thanks.
"I spent all day on Omegle.com.. chatting up girls. Jealous?"

You fucking insensitive fuck.
I can't handle this.
Anger is clouding my vision.
I'm less caring of you.

raw.

I was 100% raw for 6 months.
I fell off the bandwagon the last 3 months.
I've been eating cooked foods, salt.
I've gained 6kg.
Most, fluid retention.. making me puffy.
Today is the day I'm back.
Juice fast day #1.

High as a Kite

.. on LSA this wekend.
Sex whilst high = other worldly.

edit:

so I took some happy hippie juice - 6 Woodrose seeds soaked in fresh orange juice (yeah, I stayed raw while abusing substances.)

It kicked in. I was stranded on the couch for 8 hours, tripping.
Melting fans. Breathing walls.

If I were a man, I'd have had a hard-on. Tingling.

When he kissed me, all my senses imploded.
Tongues felt like the most glorious textures, lips pressed and lightly touching.

They left for a half hour, sober.
I panicked.
I needed him.
I felt love for him.

Trip over.
An 8 hour adventure without leaving the couch.

He turns to his friend "going to bed.. might have to pick her up. She'll want to cuddle, she's still tripping balls."

Coming off the drug, we went to bed.
Ie; two mattresses.

He was hard. He tore my jeans off.
I wasn't sober yet.
I was TRASHED, telling you the truth.
We fucked. Hard.
while we were fucking?
"I have to tell you something."
I reply... what?
"I think I'm falling in love with you."

Waiting for "him"

Waiting for him. Patiently, in a stupid place. Bored.
Thinking, this man has every mans dream!
He's in his late 20's, I'm 18.
I offer him the things he won't get elsewhere:

1) Head on demand. I love it.
2) Endless sex.
3) The chance to explore his fantasy's.
4) Group sex.
5) Intelligent conversation.
6) An endlessly horny girl.
7) A chance to seriously dominate me, even hit me in bed.
8) My new willingness to take on his emotional baggage.

Just because I'm here for you man, doesn't mean I always will be.